5 Signs Your School’s Held Together by Blu Tack & Despair (A Funny Teacher Blog)
Ah, teaching…
The noble profession.
The selfless calling.
The underpaid, overworked, sleep-deprived lifestyle choice we all made for… reasons?
If you’ve ever looked around your school and thought, “This entire institution would collapse without Linda from admin and three strategically placed globs of Blu Tack,” then congratulations—you are not alone. These words coming straight from the Humanities department of Shitston State College, should bring some solace, as I, Susie Bloomfield, stand with you.
Years of classroom experience shows me there are a number of tell-tale signs your school is being held together by sheer willpower and a tube of crusty, expired Bostik. Here are five of the most obvious.
1. The Photocopier Has a Personality
And not a nice one.
I don’t trust teacher who claims their photocopier works on the first go. Bullshit, I say.
Ours has the emotional stability of a Year 9 drama student in Week 10, Term 3.
It jams more than the Year 6 band, shrieks like a banshee during staff meetings, and smells vaguely like burnt toast and regret.
Bonus points to you, if you’ve also whispered, “Come on, please baby, just one more worksheet,” while gently slapping it like a malfunctioning Nespresso machine just to get work spat out for your Year 11 Literature class that actually started 10 minutes ago.
2. The Furniture Tells a Story
That story is a horror one.
There’s that single chair in the staffroom that’s always slightly moist. No one knows why. No one questions it. It simply… is.
The desks wobble like your will to live during playground duty in the junior precinct, and the “brand new” whiteboard was clearly stolen from a 1993 maths block in another postcode.
And let’s not talk about the staffroom microwave…. unless you want to relive the traumatic soup incident of Term 2. (Best not.)
3. The Coffee Situation Is Grim
If I had a dollar for every instant coffee I’ve inhaled while crying inside, I could possibly afford a matching set of whiteboard markers.
The kettle is older than some of the students.
The mugs were stolen from various conferences in 2011.
And somehow the teaspoons are always missing.
Honestly, I’d give up caffeine if red wine was socially acceptable before recess. Apparently it’s not.
4. “Planning Time” Is a Lie
Oh yes, planning time. The much revered spare period. Until it’s not really spare at all.
Otherwise known as:
- That 40-minute window where everyone suddenly remembers you know how to fix the printer
- A secret code word for “catch up on 394 emails and supervise other people’s class”
- A mythical concept invented by Education Departments to justify not giving us actual support
You know what I use my planning time for?
Surviving.
Or printing off and playing a staffroom-only card game that lets me vent through laughter before I implode.
Yes. Stewart and I made one. It’s free, and you can download it below this post. You’re welcome.
5. Your Pay Doesn’t Reflect Your Trauma (or even come close)
Let’s be real: we’re not in this for the money.
Because there is no money.
There’s just the canteen hotbox, a stationery addiction, 47 unread parent portal messages, and the sheer thrill of maybe getting a free pen during PD.
My financial plan at this point is:
- Teach
- Burn out
- Start a snarky gift shop
- ???
- Retire with emotional damage and some tattoos that say what I can’t say in staff meetings.
If any (or all) of the above sounds familiar… you deserve:
✔️ A laugh
✔️ A lie-down
✔️ Something vaguely fun that doesn’t involve assessment rubrics
That’s where Classroom Chaos comes in.
It’s a free, printable, teachers-only card game for those of us who are too tired to go out but too emotionally unstable to sit in silence with our thoughts.
Play it in the staffroom.
Roast each other.
Reclaim your sanity one sarcastic turn at a time.
🎲 Download the chaos below and follow us on the socials because there’s plenty more questionable (but oh, so accurate) content where this came from.
Till then, I’m out.
Susie
