A Scientific Analysis of PE Teacher Territorial Behaviour
As a physicist, I've spent years studying forces, reactions, and the fundamental laws that govern our universe. Yesterday, I witnessed all of these principles play out in our staffroom, albeit with significantly more protein powder than usually covered in the curriculum.
For those who missed what shall henceforth be known as "The Great PE Throwdown of 2025" (or as Susie is calling it, "Better Entertainment Than Shakespeare’s Othello"), allow me to present my scientific observations of the event.
Initial Conditions:
- Two specimens of *Physed Educatus*: Steve ("The Cross-Fit Crusader") and Craig ("Mr. Leg Day")
- One disputed territory (the staffroom's only working microwave)
- Approximately 27 witnesses, all armed with mobile phones and a concerning lack of intervention instinct
- One protein shake, spilled
- Zero common sense (as is standard for the PE department)
The Catalyst:
At precisely 13:24, Steve attempted to heat his meal-prepped chicken breast (a ritual I've observed daily, much to my olfactory system's distress) when Craig intercepted, claiming he had "dibs" on the microwave for his protein shake. A fascinating example of territorial display behavior.
The Reaction:
What followed was a textbook demonstration of Newton's Third Law: for every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction. In this case, for every "Do you even lift, bro?" there was a "Square up then, mate."
The situation escalated when Craig's protein shaker mysteriously "slipped," coating Steve's pristinely white Nike compression shirt with what appeared to be chocolate-flavored whey protein. As a scientist, I can confirm this was about as accidental as my decision to schedule a test the day after a field trip.
The Chain Reaction:
What happened next defied several laws of physics and most laws of professional conduct. Steve, displaying all the restraint of an electron in an excited state, launched himself at Craig with what I can only describe as deeply disappointing form for a PE teacher.
The ensuing altercation provided excellent examples of:
- Projectile motion (various protein supplements)
- Circular motion (swinging arms, most missing their targets)
- Conservation of energy (sadly, none was conserved for actually teaching their classes)
- Momentum (primarily of the ego variety)
Observational Data from Colleagues:
- Martha from Math began calculating the probability of both of them being fired (37.5%, by her estimate)
- History department immediately began documenting for future reference
- Art department critiqued their fighting stance as "lacking composition"
- Susie live-narrated the entire thing in Shakespearean verse, because of course she did
The Resolution:
The conflict reached its conclusion when both participants were separated by the unexpected intervention of Mrs. Henderson from the library, a woman who stands 5'2" but apparently possesses the authority of a small neutron star. The sight of two grown men, both certified in teaching physical education, being effectively managed by our 63-year-old librarian will forever remain a testament to the fact that wisdom trumps weighted squats.
Aftermath Analysis:
- 3 viral videos on YouTube
- 1 broken protein shaker
- 2 bruised egos
- 1 microwave still functioning (proving it's the most resilient staff member we have)
- Countless memes created by students who really should have been in class and not looking through the staff room window.
Personal Conclusions:
- PE teachers, much like unstable isotopes, should be kept at safe distances from each other
- The staffroom microwave has more influence over human behavior than any behavioral psychology study I've ever read
- My decision to stay in physics and avoid human specimens remains thoroughly validated
For the record, while I maintained professional neutrality during the event, I did manage to acquire some excellently timed photographs which I'm saving for this year's staff Christmas party. As a scientist, I believe in thorough documentation of all phenomena, particularly those involving colleagues making absolute fools of themselves.
*P.S. To Steve and Craig: I have the photos. Copies are available for purchase. Price negotiable. I accept cash or will consider trading for a new staffroom microwave.*
